Thursday, 4 July 2013

The Pathetic Sad Person Story of my New Computer

This story is a sort of penance for being a complete cow. I do not come out of this looking good. Sigh. Here I go.

I use computers EVERY SINGLE DAY for MANY hours at a time but I still have to think twice about what is bigger 1GM or a 1MB. So from a “what specs should I get for a computer” aspect I am pretty hopeless. What I want is “fast with lots of space”. Make wavy arty farty shapes in the air with your hands. Sadly that does not translate into computer geek talk. I think it is perfectly obvious but somehow it is way more complicated than that. Or maybe it is a conspiracy of pretentious from the geek-o-sphere. It probably is not - as is the case with most conspiracy theories- sadly. I suspect I am just not interested enough to do anything about finding out more  but  am quite prepared to get annoyed (apoplectic really) by the whole process. So because of the just mentioned state of being, I happily, well not happily really, I lazily hand over the responsibility of computer geeky things to Bryan. You can see where this is headed can’t you?

So let’s go back a few years to us living in Botswana. Bryan, being the thoughtful man that he is, decides to surprise me with a laptop. Have I mentioned that I hate surprises? When I am presented with this surprise gift I think “well that was very sweet and I do need a new computer” so I get over the not liking surprises thing. THEN THE TORTURE STARTS. This computer is so slow that I can make a cup of coffee (grow the beans, etc) while I wait for it to do anything. This is not Bryan’s fault. But he did bring the beast into my life. And because he was so sweet I cannot say anything and I have to grin and bare, for F-ing years let me tell you, years! We move to Dubai  The useless F-ed up bloody laptop comes with me. I endure. Bryan sees that I am an unhappy camper with my revolting computer and I think that enough time has passed that I can blame my hating the computer on the fact that technology has moved on and my computer is now an old goat in computer years. Remember that I am an abdicator of computer responsibility so I dragged my heels re the whole computer thing. Did I want an I-pad, or did I want a laptop, or did I want a desktop? Hummmm-ing and ahhhhh-ing and much dithering, and not knowing what I wanted later, had me doing what I do which is try not to think about it too much. Or as other might say pretend the question is not there, stick my head in the sand and act like an ostrich. Bryan watched all this sympathetically and then as a lovely surprise (remember how I feel about surprises) decided to help me solve my dilemma. He very thoughtfully bought me a brand new computer. He went to a lot of trouble to get me a computer that was sort of a tablet, or is that a tablet that is sort of a computer, and to make my life super wonderful I also was given a big screen and a separate keyboard for when I wanted a BIG computer and when I wanted a tablet I had this funky thing that unclipped from its moorings and acted like a tablet. Wonderful win-win situation one would think. But no, ONCE AGAIN THE TORTURE STARTED. It was exquisitely, painfully, slow. It was throwing against the bloody wall slow. It hung all the time. I could not have two screens open at the same time.  If I tried to save something on my desktop it went on strike. If I tried to save more than three photographs in a folder it rejected them and me and went off on a sulk that makes teen sulking seem amateur. In short it performed as one might expect a sloth crossing Antarctica to perform. I have to ask you. What is the common denominator in my very bad experiences with computers? Not my inability to know for myself what I want. No, no, no. The common denominator is Bryan. It is all utterly his fault. I let that thought fester quietly for a few months but kept politely quiet about the second round of horror that was forced on me by my well-meaning husband and his surprise gifts. Then I started complaining about how bloody horrible “this godamned machine is”, there is after all only so much suffering one can take. Bryan politely suggested that maybe I should get another computer. I snarled at him that I did not want another computer I WANTED THIS ONE TO WORK. Which is clearly a stupid thing to say or think because the computer was a subversive piece of equipment hell bent on a cosmic mission to destroy my barely there serenity. Or is that sanity?

This all brings me to this week. It is possible that I have, maybe, complained a bit too much and long and loud about my computer and Bryan took that to be me hinting that it was time for me to back track on the “ I want this computer to work” statement.  Or (and here we get into the sub plot) he was feeling guilty about the fact that I think that having a car that is a squillion years old and falling apart is not a problem and that you do not have to replace a vehicle every few years to ensure an "optimum resale value" verses "cannot sell the heap of junk value".

Bryan started The Car Campaign some time ago. Because on the car issue he was wise to the no surprises thing.  I did not like it one bit. He dragged me around   the showroom and pointed out how very clever he was and what a good deal he was getting. The bloody car sales man did not help by praising Bryan on the amazing deal he got when he bought his previous car and how clever he was catching a similar jammy deal this time. I swear it felt synchronized. Anyway in the end I did an “oh well if you insist that this is absolutely the best thing to do then well go for it” all the while brooding with suspicion about MEN and CARS. And then nothing. Nothing seemed to be happening. It all looked like it had gone away and I would not have to agree to disagree re the car. UNTIL. THIS. WEEK. Suddenly the car was back in play and Bryan was signing papers. This counts as a mini-surprise so I had a hissy fit, and then backed down immediately and ungraciously. 

Bryan was supposed to do a video (modeling/acting stuff).  It was cancelled at the last minute and the video making peeps in an act of stupidity still paid him in full. Jammy Dude Bryan. Jammy Dude either through guilt or as a random act of sweet thoughtful kindness decided to surprise me (DOES THE MAN NEVER, EVER LEARN) by fixing my dreadful computer problem by using said dosh to buy me a new Super Duper computer. And how do you think I reacted? I went off the deep end. “What were you thinking?” I hissed. “Did I ask you to buy me a computer?” I snarled with gut  wrenching panic instinctively reacting to  surprise. The poor man splutters “But you need a computer. You hate your computer. I thought it would be a nice thing to do with the video money.” I am all bristling, with suppressed passive aggression, wondering if I am being played to keep me sweet about the car and quivering in reaction to “a surprise”. I honestly react to surprises the same way most people do when confronted by a spiting cobra about to strike.

We have a house guest at the moment who is witness to ALL OF THIS. And he pipes up from somewhere only angels and fools come and go from “Bryan said you did not like surprises……...” Are you bloody kidding me? Only a single young man would enter into the fray at that that point with that comment. I sulk off to gather myself together. The computer sits in glorious packaged isolation on the kitchen counter for 24 hours while I regroup. I have plenty of time to chastise myself for being a complete and utter cow. House guest decides that there is only so much of me that anyone should have to put up with (he does not say that but I mean you have read this what would you do?) and goes out for the evening. Bryan retreats to the TV room. I cautiously approach the computer package. Mind you not before I have reviewed the computer to hell and back and I am still wary. I really do not want to set myself up for another few years of purgatory.  What is it exactly that I did in my previous life that was so dreadful? Did I put a spanner in the works of the first round of inventing the wheel that has technology treating me so badly? I think I may have served my time. Or maybe Samsung is my soul mate. I have a really lovely new Samsung Notebook. It is fast and friendly. Just like my Samsung Galaxy phone. Bryan is back in my good books. Now I have to get back into his.

Wish me luck.

By the way reading this over it does sort of sound like I get a new computer every five minutes. That is not the case. This aga saga spans about 12 years.....



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